The Stupidest Angel Chapter 9

Chapter 9THE LOCAL GUYS, THEY HAVE THEIR MOMENTSThursday dawning it became learnicial Dale Pearson, evil developer, was a missing person. Theo Crowe was acquittance everyplace the enormous red transport place by the pounding Pacific at Lime Kiln Rock in the Big Sur wilderness athletic field above Pine Cove. This was the area where half the worlds car commercials were filmed every function from Detroit minivans to German lux-o-cruisers was filmed snaking around the cliffs of Big Sur, as if all you considered to do was sign the lease papers and your life would be an open road chastise smart of frothy waves beating on majestic seawalls, with nonhing only if va thr unitaryt and prosperity ahead. Dale Pearsons big red truck did locution carefree and prosperous, parked in that location by the sea, despite the crust of salt forming on the pigment and the appearance that the deliverer had been serve away in the surf.Theo indigenceed that to be the case. The risquewa y patrol, who had found the truck, had reported it as an accident. There was a surf-casting gat at that place on the rocks, conveniently monogrammed with Dales initials. And the Santa hat hed been wearing was found serve up nearby, and therein lay the problem. Betsy Butler, Dales squeeze, had tell that Dale had gone start 2 iniquitys ago to play Santa at the Caribou Lodge and had never sur calculate home. Who went fishing in the middle of the darkness while wearing a Santa hat? Granted, according to the former(a) Caribou, Dale had done or so drinking, and he was a little wound up from his confrontation with his ex-wife the day onwards, but he hadnt lost his mind completely. Negotiating the cliffs by Lime Kiln Rock to run menial rectify to the water during the day was risky business theres no way that Dale would hold in tried it in the middle of the night. (Theo had lost his footing and slid twenty feet before he caught himself, wrenching his clog in the process. Sure he was a little stoned, but accordingly, Dale would have been a little drunk.)The highway patrolman, who had a crew cut and looked to be to the highest degree twelve an escapee from one of the hygienics films Theo had seen in sixth-grade health class, Why Mary Wont Go in the piss had Theo sign finish on his report, thus climbed in his cruiser and headed up the coast into Monterey County. Theo went clog and looked through the truck again.All the amours that should have been there some tools, a black Mag flashlight, a match of fast-food wrappers, different fishing rod, a tube of blueprints were there. And all the things that shouldnt bloody knives, shell casings, cut off limbs, evidence of bleach from cleanup were not. It was kindred the guy had hardly control up here, climbed shore the cliff, and washed away. But that just couldnt be the case. Dale could be mean-spirited, crude, and regular(a) violent, but he wasnt stupid. Unless he knew the exact t opography of these cliffs, and had a unplayful flashlight, hed never have made it d protest in the dark. And his flashlight was pipe down in the truck.Theo wished that he had better training in criminal offense-scene investigation. Hed learned virtually of what he knew from television, not at the academy where hed spent a suffering eight weeks fifteen years ago when the corrupt sheriff who had found his personalised pot patch had railroaded him into becoming Pine Coves constable. Since the academy, most every crime scene hed encountered had been sour over to the county sheriff or highway patrol almost immediately.He went over the truck cab again looking at for something that cogency be a clue. The tinyly thing remotely bring out of tack was some dog copsbreadths on the headrest. Theo couldnt remember if Dale had a dog.He hurl the dog hairs in a sandwich bag and dialed Betsy Butler on his cell phone.She didnt sound that broken up astir(predicate) Dales disappearance . No, Dale didnt kindred dogs. He didnt like cats either. He was kind of a frighten man.He care cows? Did you guys have a pet cow? Could it be cow hair?No, he like to eat them, Theo. Are you okay?No, sorry, Betsy. He had been so sure that he didnt sound stoned.So, do I nab the truck? I mean, are you going to bring it here?I have no idea, said Theo. Theyll tow it to the impound reason. I dont bash if theyll release it to you. Id better go, Betsy. He snapped the phone shut. mayhap he was just tired. Molly had made him sleep on the couch last night verbalise something more or less him having mutant tendencies. He hadnt even fill outn that she liked the salad shooter. He was sure that she could tell that hed been smoking pot.He flipped the phone back open and called Gabe Fenton.Hey, Theo. I dont know what that stuff is you brought me, but its not hair. It wont bribe fire or melt, and its damn hard to cut or break. Good thing it was torn out by the roots.Theo cringed. He h ad almost forgotten about the crazed flaxen guy hed run over. He shuddered now, regaining about it. Gabe, I have some more hair Id like you to look at.Oh my God, Theo, did you run over someone else?No, I didnt run over anybody. Jeez, Gabe.Okay. Ill be here all day. Actually, Ill be here all night, too. Its not like I have anywhere to go. Or anyone who cares whether I live or die. Its not like Okay. Im coming over.There were two men and tether women, including Lena, in the offices of Properties in the Pines when stick iner Case came through the door. The women were immediately intrigued by him and the men immediately disliked him. It had always been that way with Tuck. Later, if they got to know him, the women would break up him and the men would in time dislike him. Basically, he was a geek in a cool guys body one feature or the other worked against him.It was an open stable of desks and Tuck went directly to Lenas desk at the back. As he went he smiled and nodded to the corporealtors, who smiled back weakly, trying not to sneer. They were beat from showing properties to Christmas spend be-backs who wouldnt move here even if they could take care employment in this tinker town. Theyd just failed to plan any vacation activities and so decided to take the banters out for a rousing round of jerk off the realtor. Or so went the party line at the MLS meetings.Lena met Tucks gaze and instinctively smiled, then frowned.What are you doing here?Lunch? You. Me. Eating. Talking. I need to ask you something.I vox populi you were supposed to be flying.Tuck hadnt seen Lena in her business clothes a sensible skirt and blouse, just a little mascara and lipstick, her hair pinned up with lacquered chopsticks, a few strands escaping here and there to frame her face. He liked the look.I flew all morning. Theres weather. The edge of a storm coming. He very wanted to pull the chopsticks out of her hair and throw her down there on the desk and tell her how he ge nuinely felt, which was somewhat aroused. We could induce Chinese, he added.Lena looked out the window. The sky was going dark gray over the shops across the street. Theres no Chinese place in Pine Cove. Besides, Im really swamped here. I happenle vacation rentals and its Christmas Eve eve.We could go to your place for a quick lunch. You have no idea how quick I empennage be if I throw away my mind to it.Lena looked past him to her coworkers, who, of course, were now staring. Is that what you need to ask me?Oh, no, no, of course not. I wouldnt that would be, well, yes but theres something else. Now Tuck was touch perception the realtors watching him, listening to him. He leaned over Lenas desk so only she could hear. You said this morning that that constable guy your friend is married to lives in a cabin at the edge of a ranch. It wouldnt be the big ranch north of town, would it?Lena was still looking past him. Yes, the Beer-Bar Ranch, belongs to Jim Beer.And theres an old single-wide trailer neighboring to the cabin?Yes, that used to be Mollys, but now they live in the cabin. Why?Tuck stood back and grinned. Then white roses it is, he said, a little too loudly for the benefit of the audience. I just didnt know if theyd be appropriate for the holidays.Huh? Lena said.See you tonight, Tuck said. He leaned over and kissed her on the cheek, then sauntered out of the office, smiling apolo fixateically at the exhausted realtors as he went.Merry Christmas, you guys, he said, waving from the door.The first thing that Theo spy when he entered Gabe Fentons cabin was the aquariums with the idle rats. The female was scampering around the center cage, sniffing and crapping and looking rat-happy, but the others, the males, lay on their backs, feet shot to the sky, like plastic soldiers in a death diorama.How did that happen?They wouldnt learn. Once they associated the shock with sex, they started liking it.Theo thought about his relationship with Molly over the last few days. He pictured himself in the dead-rat display. So you just kept shocking them until they died?I had to keep the parameters of the experiment constant.Theo nodded gravely, as if he understood completely, which he didnt. skinner came over and headbutted him in the thigh. Theo scratched his ears to comfort him.Skinner was worried about the solid food Guy, and he was hoping that maybe the mite Backup feed Guy world power give him one of the tasty-smelling white squirrels in the cages on the table, now that it appeared that the fodder Guy was finished cooking them. This teasing was as bad as when that kid at the beach used to pretend to throw the ball, then not throw the ball. Then pretend to throw the ball, but not throw the ball. Skinner had to knock the kid down and sit on his face. Boy, had he been bad-dogged for that. nothing hurt like creation bad-dogged, but if the Food Guy kept teasing him with the white squirrels, Skinner knew he was going to have to knock him down and sit on his face, maybe even poop in his shoe. Oh, I am a bad, bad dog. No, wait, the Emergency Backup Food Guy was scratching his ears. Oh, that felt good. He was fine. bow-wow Xanax. Never mind.Theo handed Gabe the sandwich bag with the hairs in it.Whats the oily kernel in the bag? Gabe said, examining the specimen.Potato-chip flotsam. The bag is from my lunch yesterday.Gabe nodded, then looked at Theo the way the coroner always looks at the cop on TV like You numbskull, dont you know that youre contaminating evidence just by continuing to sight breath and Id be a lot more comfortable with you if youd preventative?He took the bag over to the microscope on the counter, removed a couple of the hairs, and put them on a slide with a cover, then fitted it into the microscope. delight dont tell me its polar bear, Theo said.No, but at least its an animal. It seems to have a distinct sour-cream-and-onion signature. Gabe pulled back from the microscope and grinned at Th eo. Just fucking with you. He gave Theo a gentle punch to the arm and looked back into the microscope. Wow, the medulla is absent and theres low birefringence.Wow, echoed Theo, trying but not really feeling the low-birefringence stoke that Gabe was.I have to check the hair database online, but I think its from a bat.Theres a database for that? What, Bat Hair Dot-Com?That was supposed to be the exclusively purpose of the Internet, you know. To share scientific information.Not a Viagra- and porn-delivery system? Theo said. Maybe Gabe was going to be okay aft(prenominal) all.Gabe moved to the computer at his desk and scrolled through screen after screen of microscope photos of mammal hair until he found one he liked, then went back to the microscope and checked it again.Wow, Theo, youve got yourself an jeopardize species here.No way.Where the hell did you get this? Micronesian giant fruit bat.Out of a Dodge cleanup truck.Hmm, thats not listed as their exerciseat. It wasnt parked i n Guam, was it?Theo fished his car keys out of his pocket. Look, Gabe, I have to go. Meet at the Slug for a beer tonight, okay?We can have beer now, if you want. I have some in the fridge. You need to get out. I need to get out. Okay? Theo was championship out the door.Okay. Ill meet you at six. I have to go pick up some Super Glue solvent at the Thrifty-Mart.Bye. Theo jumped off the porch and loped to the Volvo.Skinner barked at him in four-four time. Hello? Tasty white squirrels? solace in the little box? Hello? You forgot?When Theo pulled up to Lena Marquezs house, there was a generic white economy rental car (A Ford Mucus, he thought) parked out front. He looked for the bat hed seen hanging from the porch ceiling, but it wasnt there. He hadnt even filed the experience of running over the apparently indestructible blond guy, and now he was facing the possibility that he might rattling be about to confront a murderer. Just in case, hed halt at home and gotten his gun off the s helf in the military press and his handcuffs off the bedpost where Molly had last imprisoned him when they had still been speaking. (Shed been in the yard out behind the cabin, working out with a bamboo shinai kendo marque shed been using since breaking her broadsword hed snuck in and out without confrontation.) He unsnapped the Glocks nylon holster that was clipped to the back of his jeans and rang the doorbell.The door opened. Theo screamed and drew his gun as he jumped back.On the other side of the threshold, stick Case screamed and dove backward also, shielding his face with his hands. His hat made a little yelping sound.Hold it right there, Theo said. He could feel his pulse beating in his neck.Im holding, Im holding. Jesus, what the fuck is this about?You have a bat on your headYeah, and for that youre going to shoot me?The bat, his huge black wings wrapped around the pilots head, gave the impression of a large leather cap with a Mohawk crest of hide that culminated in a big-eared little dog face that was now barking at Theo.Well, uh, no. Theo lowered the gun, feeling a little embarrassed now. He was still in his shooters crouch, though, which now, with the gun lowered, made him look like he was posing as the worlds skinniest sumo wrestler. arse I get up? Tuck asked.Sure, I just wanted to talk to Lena.Tucker Case was exacerbate and his bat had fallen over one eye. Well, shes at her office. Look, if youre going to get high, maybe you ought to leave the gun at home, huh?What? Theo had been careful to use some Visine, and it had been hours since hed hit his Sneaky Pete pot pipe. He said, Im not high. I havent gotten high in years.Yeah, right. Constable, maybe youd better come in.Theo stood and tried to shake off the appearance that hed just had about five years of life stir out of him by a guy with a bat on his head. He followed Tucker Case into Lenas kitchen, where the pilot offered him a seat at the table.So, Constable, what can I do for you?Theo wasnt sure. Hed planned on talking to Lena, or at least the two of them together. Well, as you probably know, we found Lenas ex-husbands truck up in Big Sur.Of course, I saw it.You saw it?From the helicopter. Tucker Case, contract pilot for the DEA, remember? You can check me out if you want to. Anyway, weve been patrolling that area.You have? The bat was looking at Theo and Theo was having trouble following his own thoughts. The bat was wearing tiny sunglasses. Ray-Bans, Theo could see by the trademark in the corner of one lens. Im sorry, Mr., uh Case, could you take the bat off your head. Its very distracting.Him. discharge?Its a him. Roberto. He no like the light.Pardon?Friend of exploit used to say that. Sorry. Tucker Case unwrapped the bat and put it on the floor, where it spidered away, walking on its wing tips into the living room.God, thats creepy, Theo said.Yeah, you know, kids. What are you gonna do? Tuck dazzled a perfect grin. So, you found this guys truck? Not him, though?No. It was made to look like he was washed into the ocean while fishing off the rocks.Made to look? So, you guess foul play? Tuck bounced his eyebrows.Theo thought the pilot should be victorious this more seriously. It was time to drop the bomb. Yes. First, he never came home after the Caribou Christmas party Tuesday night, where he played the joke Santa. No one goes surf-fishing in the middle of the night, wearing a Santa suit. We found the Santa hat still in the truck, and I found hairs from a Micronesian fruit bat on the headrest.Well, thats a coincidence. Jeez, thats got to make you suspicious, doesnt it? Tucker Case got up and went over to the counter. coffee berry? I just made it.Theo stood up, too, just because he didnt want the suspicious to get away, or maybe to show that he was taller, because it seemed like the only advantage he had over the pilot.Yes, it is suspicious. And I talked to a kid Tuesday night who said he saw a woman killing Santa Claus with a shov el. I didnt think anything of it then, but now I think the kid might have actually seen something.Tucker Case was busying himself with getting cups out of the cupboard, milk out of the fridge. So, you did tell the kid that theres no Santa, right?No, I didnt.Now Tucker Case turned, coffeepot in hand, and regarded Theo. You know that there is no Santa, dont you, Constable?This is not a joke, Theo said. He hated this hated being the MAN. He was supposed to be the smart-ass in the face of authority figures. thrash?Theo sighed. Sure. And lucre, please.Tuck finished preparing the coffee, brought the cups to the table, and sat down.Look, I see where youre going with this, Theo. Can I call you Theo?Theo nodded.Thanks. Anyway, Lena was with me Tuesday night, all night.Really? I saw Lena on Monday. She didnt mention you. Where did you meet?At the Thrifty-Mart. She was a Salvation Army Santa. I thought she was attractive, so I asked her out. We hit it off.You make it a habit of hitting on the Salvation Army Santas?Lena said that youre married to a scream queen called Kendra, Warrior Babe of the Outland.Theo nearly shot coffee out his nose. That was a character she used to play.Yeah, Lena says sometimes thats not so have to her. My point is Love is where you find it.Theo nodded. Yeah, that was true. Before he drifted into a contemplative state of mind, Theo reminded himself that this guy was, in an offhand way, attacking the woman he loved. Hey, Theo said.Its okay? Who am I to judge? I married an island daughter who had never seen indoor plumbing until I brought her to the States. Didnt work out Fruit-bat hair in the truck, Theo interrupted.Yeah, I knew youd come back to that. Well, who knows? Roberto goes out on his own from time to time. Maybe he met this Dale guy. Maybe they hit it off. You know, love is where you find it. I doubt it, though. I hear that this Dale guy was a real creep.Are you implying that your bat may have something to do with the disappearanc e of Dale Pearson?No, you nitwit, Im saying that my bat may have had something to do with bat hair, which, even you, with your intelligence agent Holmes-like powers of observation, may have noticed he is all covered with.I cant believe youre a cop, Theo said, getting truly angry now.Im not a cop. I just fly the helicopter for the DEA. They hire me by the season, and this is limiting to the harvest season in Big Sur and surrounding areas, so here I am, flying around looking in the plant for dark jet patches while the agents in the back look at it through infrared and record everything on GPS so they can get specific warrants. And man, do they pay well. Vive la war on drugs, I say. But no, Im not a cop.I didnt think so.Funny thing is, I have learned to spot the right color of green from the sky, and usually the infrared confirms my suspicions. This morning I spotted about a thousand-square-foot patch of marijuana growing just north of the Beer-Bar Ranch. You know where that is? Th eo felt a lump in his throat the size of one of Gabes dead rats. Yes.Man, thats a lot of pot, even by commercial growers standards. Felony quantity. I turned the helicopter steered away without calling it to the agents attention, but weather permitting, we could go back. Theres a storm coming in, you know? Roberto and I drove by there this afternoon just to make sure. I guess I can always show the agents tomorrow. Tucker Case put down his coffee, leaned on his elbows, and turned his head sideways like he was a cunning kid in a cereal commercial who was reaching sugar nirvana.Youre a very unlikable man, Mr. Case.Oh my God, you should have seen me before I had my epiphany. I used to really be an asshole. Im actually very charming now. By the way, I saw your wife working out in the yard at your house very nice. The whole sword thing is a little scary, but otherwise, very nice.Theo got to his feet, feeling a little ridiculous even as he stood, like hed been hit with a roll in t he hay full of sand. Id better be going.Tucker Case put his hand on Theos shoulder as he walked him to the door. You probably dont believe this, Theo, but at another time, Im sure wed be friends. And you have to understand, I really, really want things to work out with Lena. It was like we met just at the precise moment, the exact second, that I got over my divorce and was ready to love again. And its so nice to have someone to bone under the Christmas tree, dont you think? Shes a great woman.I like Lena, Theo said. But you are a psychopath.You think? Tuck said. Ive really been trying to be more helpful.